Get out the Gold Bond people because summer has arrived like a drunken relative at Thanksgiving excited to show you his new tattoo. Here in Kansas City we have finally survived fake spring, second and third winter, and had about 48 hours of nice temperatures with low humidity before the blast furnace melted down the door.
It always seems earlier than years past and it always seems hotter than year’s past – although statistics show it’s about the same. The key seems to be that it is dryer year over year due to climate change – which also seems to affect my CKR – the Cranky Kamler Ratio which has already reached record levels.
I’m driving more than I have in several years thanks to a new job and a few side hustles out of town and I can tell you that Kansas City drivers haven’t gotten any better during the COVID years in driving. On a recent trip to Ottawa, Kan., drivers on I-35 near Shawnee Mission were either going 90 or 45. Whatever happened to going near the speed limit? I saw one Saab driver (naturally) darting in and out of traffic and nearly kill himself and about four others as he slammed on the brakes to avoid a truck that was hauling brush. The brush truck was spraying leaves all over the highway even at it’s 40 mph pace, and the Saab had to slam on his brakes. Me? I’m just chilling in the middle lane watching the craziness.
Don’t think you’re off the hook here Platte County. At a recent trip up to Tiffany Hills sports complex, I saw what the heat is doing to ding dongs in the parking lot for some baseball tournaments. Lines were merely suggestions as people were parking in the grass, in the aisles, and taking up multiple spaces. The 94 degrees and 200% humidity couldn’t have been helping things any.
The summer has just started and I’ve already nearly died in two states.
Will the onslaught of new restaurants possibly cool down the region? Let’s hope some of that Twin Peaks 29 degree beer will relax everyone – and let’s also hope everyone takes an Uber home.
Even though the COVID years seem to have the worst behind us, Mother Nature has made it clear that I need to stay home at least through the summer. The best recipe for me right now is to grab one of those Walmart wading pools, fill it with ice and Coors and camp out in the front yard working on my COVID tan and waiting for that Platte County Whataburger to open up.
(Get hawt with Chris Kamler on Twitter, where he’ll tweet up a heat storm as @TheFakeNed)
