ccidently watched a brief episode of Good Morning America last week. Honest to God segment on child rearing. Millennial parents were up in arms about how much time is too much “screen time” to allow their toddlers. They sought the “expert” opinion of ABC News. I generally just called my mom or grandparents. The mostly said “give them a shot of whiskey” to most of my child rearing problems.
But times have changed. ABC kindly offered up a childcare “expert.” The “expert” promptly suggested three “apps” that parents could download and use to limit screen time. What the heck is going on?
I do not want to sound like my Grandpa, but he would have had a solution for me being on my phone too long. He would have slapped me upside the head and the phone out of my hand.
Thankfully, we have progressed, or maybe not, to experts telling us we need more apps to solve such dilemmas.
For the love of God, can we please quit tearing down our statues? Christopher Columbus has had a really bad last couple of weeks, and he died in 1506. You might find it interesting to know that Chris died from “severe arthritis.” That sounds bad. I’m assuming they didn’t have hydroxychloroquine to treat it in the 1500’s, but I am not a licensed physician, so don’t trust me on that. It is also unclear how they classified COVID deaths in the 1500’s.
Chris died at the ripe old age of 54 years. That seems young to a 53-year old column writer.
Anyway, apparently you wasted your entire third grade year learning about Chris and his sailing exploits because he is officially being erased out of history. I always had trouble remembering the Nina. The Santa Maria and Pinta stuck with me but that dang Nina always eluded my third grade brain.
If you are keeping track at home, Chris did not find America like that old woman taught you in the third grade. He did find the Bahamas, which is kind of cool to me. If you are going to find a place, might as well find a place with beaches and lots of fruity tequila drinks. Nobody would have been overly excited about him finding Miami in the 1400’s. They did not even have nightclubs, cocaine, or Miami Vice yet.
Anyway, what I have learned this week is that Chris Columbus is bad. Forget his boats and everything named after him for finding America and such. Tear up any school projects you did in the third grade about the boats and burn them in a private ceremony.
Next week we will revisit the metric system that you wasted your fourth grade education endeavors on.
The metric system is my single most favorite “American” thing. It is essentially the equivalent of “flipping the bird” to the world. Three countries do not use the metric system. Myanmar, Liberia, and USA.USA..USA. Quick, show us where Myanmar and Liberia are on the globe. See my point?
Anyway, it is fascinating history that will probably be erased, so do not learn it all, but basically Gerald Ford and Congress gave it a try for a bit and then they punted the idea. President Ronald Reagan eventually put the idea to its death when he abolished the United States Metric Board in 1982. I am not sure if CNN was running a daily counter on the number of metric users in the USA at the time, but it died a rather simple death, with nary a complaint on Twitter or Facebook.
I am not sure what it took to be a member of the United States Metric Board, but it had to look good on a resume or in an obituary.
Thankfully, the “Gipper” was all about “flipping the bird” to the world and those days are over. Drink yourself a pint of beer this evening and rejoice in all things America. In case you are wondering, a British pint is 20 fluid ounces and an American pint is 16. I would go with the British version.
(Guy Speckman can be reached at email@example.com or making his Columbus Day vacation plans)