I know I just wrote about the Kansas City Chiefs last week and how they were not likely to make the playoffs. Spoiler Alert…They’re officially out now.
But I felt it necessary to talk to the masses today and quell the terror and anxiety about Patrick Mahomes’ injury, the Chiefs future, and what to do this season.
Late December and early January, for most of the rest of the country, is called “Winter.” It is a ominous time, where it starts getting dark at 1:00 and it is cold enough for your nipples to cut steel. Here in Kansas City, of course, it has been time to prepare for the Arrowhead Invitational, where various AFC playoff teams travel to Arrowhead to be cut down by Patrick, Chris Jones, Travis, Andy and the boys. This year, we are left with only the harsh realities of a season without sunlight.
So what are we supposed to do with ourselves? Monday through Saturdays in December and January were for preparing for tailgating and Chiefs watching. Sundays were for, obviously, Chiefs watching*
*With the exceptions of Thursdays, Saturdays, and Mondays when the Chiefs also play frequently.
I’ve compiled a list of activities to fill the gaping void in our collective soul.
First, you could take up ice fishing at Smithville Lake. Nothing says “Help me” quite like sitting on a frozen body of water, staring at a hole, waiting for a fish that is smarter than you to make a critical error in judgment. Bonus: the existential despair of realizing you have nothing better to do pairs beautifully with the frostbite.
Second, visit the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art. You know, that place you’ve been meaning to go to for the last 15 years with the art and stuff but never have because there was always a game on? Well, guess what? No more excuses. You can finally stare at those giant shuttlecocks on the lawn and contemplate whether they’re a profound statement on suburban recreation or just really big shuttlecocks. Spoiler: It’s both.
Third, become a regular at your local bar and establish yourself as “that guy.” You know the one—sits in the same spot every day, has opinions about everything, solves world problems by 7 p.m. The beauty here is that you were probably already doing this during Chiefs games anyway, so you’re just removing the football-themed decorations from your routine. (Incidentally, this is my choice.)
Fourth, take up bread baking. Sourdough starters need feeding schedules, attention, and care—basically everything you were giving to your fantasy football team. Name your starter “Patrick” if it helps with the transition. Watch it rise. Watch it fall. It’s therapeutic, really, and metaphorical in ways that will make you uncomfortable.
Fifth, reconnect with your family. Remember them? Those people you live with who kept asking you questions during crucial third-down conversions? Turns out they have names, interests, and feelings. Revolutionary concept, I know.
Finally, use ChatGPT to become the world’s most learned expert on ACL injuries. Use it in conversations at the bar. “Well, ya see, what you’ve got here is a Grade 2 strain. What we’re hoping against is a Grade 3 tear. Each comes with their own timelines, but whatever they are, cut those timelines in half for Mahomes.” Then, just sit in the corner and rock slowly back and forth in complete silence.
Folks, it’s going to be okay. The Chiefs will hoist more Super Bowl banners. Travis will retire and marry that singer lady. Chris Jones will continue to scare NFL quarterbacks in their dreams. Just…not this winter. This winter you’re going to gain 15 pounds from testing sourdough bread recipes.
Also: Pitchers and Catchers report in 54 days.
(More from Chris Kamler on Twitter where you’ll find him, appropriately enough, as @chriskamler)
