During the musical “Hamilton,” right after the intermission half-way through the show, the second half starts with the previously unseen character of Thomas Jefferson getting off of a boat from France. The introduction of his character is meant to note the passage of time between acts and set the stage for the final scenes of the music. He steals the show with a song titled “What’d I Miss?”
I’ve been off for a couple of months handling some personal business and I find myself humming some bars of that song recently. What did I miss? Well, let’s take a look:
No matter how much you hear it on CNBC and the news, my Amazon account and my Visa card have not declared a recession. It can confirm, however, that there is some inflation going on.
We found a seat-filler for my column over the last few weeks in the lovely and talented Brad Carl. I’ve learned so much from his columns over the last few weeks. I’ve learned about all of those cool right-wing talking points, pulling you up from your bootstraps and the benefits of dropping refugees off in the middle of the street when it’s cold outside. And I’ve also learned which NFL teams not to pick in the Landmark Pick’em, although I was pretty good at that already. Good luck with your writer’s cramps, Brad. Mix in some fiber to your diet.
But no matter how much personal business I had to conduct the last couple of months, there was no escaping the “overly-aggressive squirrel” business that knocked the lights out in Platte City for hours. Not since Mrs. O’Leary’s cow burned Chicago down has there been such a show of force by the animal kingdom. How has the Platte City leadership not issued a declaration of war against these ‘roided-out street rats yet? It’s like our leaders aren’t even concerned about these squirrels who aren’t destined for this world.
I saw the remnants of an overly-aggressive squirrel once in my backyard. The power had suddenly gone out and I went back there to investigate in true suburban fashion. There he was. I emphasize was because he was being serviced by 72 virgin squirrels by that time. With his little legs fried stuck up in the air. His eyes cold and dark, like his soul. And there he was, with his final act of anarchy, flipping me a little squirrel middle finger as I waited two days for my power to be restored.
THIS is what the Platte County Sheriff’s Department got that tank for. THIS is the time to rally. THIS is the time that all good men and women should come to the aid of their country. The only thing to fear are these little rat-like, dead inside, soon-to-be-dead on the outside, squirrels. THIS is what brought me out of an early retirement. The war must be waged, and this ship needs a captain.
Stay safe, my friends. I’m back. This fight won’t be missed.
(Get more thoughts on squirrels from Chris Kamler on Twitter, where you’ll find him as @TheFakeNed)