Finally. The Chiefs are moving to Kansas. And not just any location in Kansas. Kansas City, Kansas, to be exact. Right smack dab in Wyandotte County — or, as the locals call it “Wyndup County.”
Now, if you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing Wyandotte County’s unique brand of economic schizophrenia, let me paint you a picture. This is a place where you can buy a $47,000 sectional sofa at Nebraska Furniture Mart in the morning, then drive three miles down the road to celebrate your purchase with a bucket of fried gizzards at Go Chicken Go for $4.99. Now, I’ve never had them, but my dad says those gizzards deserve their own parade.
Wyandotte County is what happens when a city planner throws darts at a board covered in income brackets while blindfolded and slightly drunk. It’s the only place I know where a Porsche dealership and a payday loan store can coexist within shouting distance of each other, both apparently thriving.
The Legends shopping district is particularly fascinating. You’ve got your Cabelas, your T-Mobile headquarters, your movie theater with the fancy reclining seats that cost more than my first car payment. People stroll around in sweat suits that cost more than my monthly grocery bill. Then you drive five minutes east and suddenly you’re in neighborhoods where folks are choosing between paying the electric bill and buying name-brand cereal.
It’s like someone took Scottsdale, Arizona and Appalachia, threw them in a blender, and poured the result into the floodplains of the Kansas River. The result? A county that can’t quite figure out if it wants to be featured in Architectural Digest or on a documentary about food deserts.
And what does that say about the Chiefs that they chose The Dotte over Jackson County?
Don’t get me wrong – I love this beautiful disaster. Where else can you witness a Tesla and a 1987 Buick LeSabre with a missing bumper sharing a turn lane in perfect harmony? Where else does “doing well” mean you can afford both the Woodyard BBQ AND chase it down with a Yard House beer?
The Chiefs moving here makes perfect sense, actually. Football itself is America’s greatest economic equalizer. The guy in the luxury box and the guy who saved up for months to buy nosebleed seats both lose their minds when the home team scores. They’re both eating overpriced nachos, just with different views.
So welcome, Chiefs, to the land of contradictions. You’ll fit right in. After all, you’re a team worth billions that’s asking taxpayers to fund your stadium. In Wyandotte County, we understand cognitive dissonance. We live it every day, somewhere between the clearance rack at Costco and the impulse buy at the dollar store.
Just promise me one thing: When you win another Super Bowl, the parade starts at Go Chicken Go.
(Catch Chris Kamler on Twitter, where he is not @TheFakeNed, he is @ChrisKamler)
