• About Us
  • Advertise
  • Contact Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Pickem Terms and Conditions
Friday, August 19, 2022
The Platte County Landmark Newspaper
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem!
    • Login / Sign-up
    • Results by Week
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem!
    • Login / Sign-up
    • Results by Week
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish
No Result
View All Result
The Platte County Landmark Newspaper
No Result
View All Result

500

Chris Kamler by Chris Kamler
August 5, 2022
in The Rambling Moron
500
4
SHARES
106
VIEWS
Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare via Email

This whole thing was started, basically, out of spite. I don’t mean the opinion column. I don’t mean my oddly successful Twitter account @thefakened. I don’t even mean the publication of my two books (available on Amazon.) I mean all of this. The whole hustle. The podcasts. The writing. The articles in Referee Magazine. The appearances on ESPN and NPR. The broadcasting and the public address announcing. All 500 of these columns were written out of spite.

I’ll explain.

RelatedNews

Top secret

Blue alert

The Ten

I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be Don Fortune. Who wouldn’t have wanted to be Don Fortune? I fell asleep to Denny Matthews and Fred White (with producer/engineer Don Free!) every night from April to October on KMBZ. Every day when I got home from school, I’d turn the radio on and Don Fortune was talking about my Kansas City Royals and my Chiefs and he’d bloviate about how Freddy Patek missed a pop fly or how U.L. Washington hit in the game winning run last night. Who wouldn’t want that job?

My passion for sports outgrew my athletic ability to play sports my freshman year of high school when our high school baseball coach felt that my ability to run a mile around Macken Park somehow translated to a low-motor power hitting left-handed first baseman. I don’t need to run around Macken Park, coach, I just need to whack a ball in the gap and make it to first. The little voice in my head said “time to hang ’em up.”

Alas, my sports career certainly didn’t end there, it only grew as I learned about the logistics of baseball by becoming an umpire. There I swallowed all 10 rules of the Baseball Rulebook. I had control over the game. I got to wear a uniform. I was in charge. It also taught me about criticism because there’s all kinds of criticism when you’re a 14-year old umpire working a 16-year old baseball game.

All the while, I continued to listen to the radio. Don Fortune gave way to Kevin Kietzman who gave way to Soren Petro and Danny Clinkscale. And other voices such as Danny Parkins, Nick Wright, Carrington Harrison, Steven St. John, Jason Whitlock, Greg Hall, Nate Bukaty, and so many others along the way filled my ears as I continued on my life’s journeys.

I went to college to become a sports journalist. It is there that I learned about prerequisite classes that have nothing to do with journalism school. Why someone needs four years of German to report that the Chiefs lost to the Dolphins 21-7 still boggles my mind. I also learned about Miller Lite and how well it goes with Buffalo wings. I learned about depression and having to pay for utilities and rent. Don Fortune never had these struggles. The little voice in my head said “time to find something else.”

Don Fortune never had to take a job at an IT help desk ramping up to Y2K. He only had to tell you about Steve DeBerg and Mike Sweeney and how he hated soccer and loved Tippins pies. He was probably paid entirely with Tippins pies.

Life comes at you fast and then you find you’re married with a kid on the way and your day-to-day becomes your 9-5. You sit down in your easy chair and your remote control and 10 years have gone by. It’s easy to believe because the Royals are still bad and will never win the World Series again.

Maybe the spark goes out a little bit. Maybe it does for everyone as they reach their 30’s. Umpiring baseball is less an opportunity and more a chore. Getting up for work seems like the Dunkin’ Donuts man muttering “time to make the donuts” over and over again. Your hope of being Don Fortune faded in the distance. The Royals aren’t even on KMBZ and Don Fortune isn’t even on the radio anymore.

But the spark never truly dies. It just needs a little bit of oxygen and a little bit of magic to burn. In walks Twitter. It fit the way my brain thought…in these 140 character blurts. “Hey, Trey Hillman is really a terrible manager.” “I wish the city would plow my street.” “I sure hate wearing pants.”

I wasn’t alone. At the height of my account, it had nearly 20,000 followers listening to the short, dumb things my brain blurted out. One of those was Ivan Foley. Ivan is one part businessman and one part evil genius. “Sure,” he thought to himself, “he can make me laugh during a Royals game with 140 characters, I wonder if he can do it with 500 words.” It turns out, my brain can also think in one page humor columns as well.

It started out, as all good things do, with talking about your favorite food at the gas station. Five hundred columns later, it’s talked about the serious, the sublime, the sad, and the silly. It’s talked about my family, my job, my mental state, my government, my taxes, and my bowel movements. The column has covered things I love, things I hate, things I’m scared of, and also Olathe. I guess that should’ve been in the “things I hate” part.

I’ve loved writing every word. Five hundred columns later, I hope you’ve at least enjoyed a few of them.

Twelve years is a long time. Look at how much you’ve changed – hell, the whole world has changed – in 12 years. My brain is still just as mushy and I still like to talk in 500 word and 140 character bursts. I still look at life just a little off center from most. I still love writing this column every week.
Thank you for sticking with me here on page 3 every week. Thank you for supporting local journalism and your favorite local newspaper. Thank you.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never be Don Fortune, but the joy that this column has given me has been worth even more than a fortune.

(Follow a Twitter account worth more than a fortune: @TheFakeNed)

Tags: taxes
Chris Kamler

Chris Kamler

Chris Kamler is a 20 year veteran of Information Technology and a nearly 50 year veteran of being a pain in the rear.

He is known for his irreverence through his social media Twitter account @TheFakeNed along with his weekly Landmark columns, sports broadcasts, podcasts, and his book.

Kamler has a wife and a child and is a lifelong Northlander. His list of loves include his family and QuikTrip roller food.

Related Posts

Park Hill School District

Park Hill lists factors in inclusion plan

by Valerie Verkamp
August 18, 2022
0

The perceived shortcomings of the Park Hill School District have led to the creation of new “drivers” that, in the eyes of many, better encompass the district's aspirations and expectations of building a more inclusive environment. Many factors influenced the...

Roll back the property tax rate

Roll back the property tax rate

by Landmark Digital
August 18, 2022
0

EDITOR: Used car values have risen dramatically in Missouri. Prices for used cars increased 25 percent in 2021 alone. Because Missouri is one of the only states with a personal property tax on cars, that increase is going to hit...

30 Years Ago–August 14, 1992

by Ivan Foley
August 11, 2022
0

Circulation of library materials for 1991-92 at the Mid-Continent Public Library reached an all-time record with 5,161,151 items circulated. This eclipses last year’s record by an increase of 584,160 items. The Selection Committee for the United States Sporting Clays (USSCA)...

Library district is good value for our tax money

by Landmark Staff
August 5, 2022
0

EDITOR: The Mid-Continent Public Library has been in the news lately because some members of the Board of Trustees didn't approve the annual budget. I watched some of these meetings, and it seemed like a good time to ask -...

Next Post
Permanent record, danger heat, etc.

Permanent record, danger heat, etc.

Sign up and Play

Popular News

  • Junior college tax fails; R-3 bond issue passes

    Local Republicans say Biden’s election not valid

    68 shares
    Share 27 Tweet 17
  • 30 Years Ago–August 21, 1992

    16 shares
    Share 6 Tweet 4
  • Zipline will go in at city’s splash park

    15 shares
    Share 6 Tweet 4
  • New sports bar to open Monday in Platte County

    53 shares
    Share 21 Tweet 13
  • Lane closure on I-635 in Platte County

    7 shares
    Share 3 Tweet 2
  • About Us
  • Advertise
  • Contact Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Pickem Terms and Conditions
Call us at 816-858-0363

Copyright © 2019-2020 The Platte County Landmark Newspaper - All Rights Reserved

No Result
View All Result
  • Subscribe Online
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem
    • Results by Week
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish

Copyright © 2019-2020 The Platte County Landmark Newspaper - All Rights Reserved

Are you sure want to unlock this post?
Unlock left : 0
Are you sure want to cancel subscription?