ot that there would ever be a reason to criticize the column that regularly appears in this space, but, I will admit, the topics recently have been a little bit… heady.
Listen, things aren’t that bad, right? Sure, there’s a pandemic, a president who doesn’t believe the results of an election, and I’ve put on at least a Covid-19 and possibly a Covid-30 in the past six months.
But in the words of the immortal philosopher Eric Idle of the philosophy tribe Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life.”
And with that, here are some of the bright spots of the past nine months in purgatory… er… alternate lifestyle opportunities.
The first is a big one. Over the course of the last six months, my boss has almost learned the technology needed to video conference from his laptop. PLUS, he only messes up the mute button once every few days. You guys, I don’t think you understand what a big deal this is. Sure, I work for a technology company, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you can figure out all these high-falootin’ pieces of technology like the “CLICK HERE TO CONNECT” feature. For the first three months of the pandemic, we saw my boss’s ceiling because he didn’t realize his video camera was on. I guess it could’ve been way worse. Still, this is a great advancement. If we can teach executives to use teleconference equipment, the sky is the limit. We can teach a chimpanzee to drive a truck or a person from Platte City to stop at stop signs. Never say never!!
Our second piece of positivity centers around our appreciation for the finer things in life. Remember when you couldn’t buy a roll of toilet paper for all of last summer? Admit it, for a brief second, you started to look around your house for items that might need to be used if it never came back in stock. I know I did. Our poor schnauzer will never look at me the same way again. Hopefully, we’ve built a better respect for the everyday items that, if you had to go a year without, you’d really decrease your quality of life. Things like Lysol, or eating in some crappy overpriced Applebees, or being able to watch your team give up 10 runs in the first inning at a sporting event live. I will never take those things for granted again.
My final ray of sunshine through the tornadic clouds that have been the year 2020 is what I’ve learned about myself. Listen, this hasn’t been easy for anybody, but, I’ll admit, it has been especially hard on me. I’ve found myself moody and snippy at times. My attention has drifted at work. I’ve eaten a breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a QuikTrip on the same day at least three times during the pandemic. But I have learned a number of valuable things about myself. The first is about hygiene. I’ve learned that three days is the maximum number of days I can wear the same underwear/pajama bottoms combination. I’ve learned that if I don’t brush my teeth before wearing a mask for more than 10 minutes, that my breath has the consistency of a fish market in the summertime. I’ve also learned that going for a walk at least every two weeks is the minimum amount of Vitamin D your body needs so that your skin doesn’t turn translucent.
All kidding aside, the news this past week of vaccines on the way does put an end date on this dumpster fire of a year. Sure, it might be a year or more before we get our hands on the right dosage of vaccine. And life will probably not return to “normal” for a good long while. That being said, if we can try to not murder each other for just a few more months, we might be able to make it through this thing. Always look on the bright side of life.
(Get the bright side of life from Chris Kamler on Twitter @TheFakeNed)