We all know about those “where were you when?” moments throughout our histories. Probably my first one was the Challenger explosion. For the OK, Boomers, it would be the Kennedy assassination and for the youth, it’s probably 9/11. Through the American experience we have seen some of the worst things in near real-time that human-kind can throw at us. War. Famine. Disease. The movie “Cats.” If you are old enough to watch television or ingest content in any ways, you’ve seen the worst parts of the Bible as simply as you watch Teletubbies or mascara videos on YouTube.
Lately, it seems those moments are coming more swiftly – like going from a rock down a frozen river to a water tower bursting through a small town. No longer are these “where were you when?” moments, they’re an overabundance of oxygen causing the balloon to grow larger and larger and larger.
Our president gives quotes and tweets daily that, if given by any other president, would be stop everything moments. Suggestions to drink bleach, or take fish medicine, or inject light into the body. A reprise of racists storming into a state capitol – in case you desperately missed the racists from like a year ago. Shutting down all live sports and having celebrities wistfully sing dead Beatles songs in our ears off key.
The authors of the Old Testament are sitting back and laughing. Or perhaps they’re in a writer’s room somewhere just saying “what else can we throw at these bastards?”
Enter the murder hornet. You read that right. Murder. Hornet. This is a two inch long hornet with gigantic fangs that is a real thing. It is responsible for 50 deaths a year and is itself a reason for me to never leave the house for three more years. The murder hornets had previously lived elsewhere in the world and have now, just this week, arrived in America like Monty Python, except it gives you nightmares.
Sure. Murder hornets. Why not? Racists. Injectable light. Murder hornets. Bring it on, universe. I have gone well past the “where were you when?” moments and I have moved to “I can’t keep up” moments. But I’ll admit murder hornets gave me pause.
What else will the cosmos have in store for us? What about spike turtles? Masks that can only combat coronavirus if made out of wet paper towels? Dr. Fauci coming to Friday’s press conference dressed like Mona Lisa? Censorship of the Internet to only allow ads that start with “In these difficult times…?” Birds who have learned to throw baseballs at car windows?
Forget “where were you when” and enter “when is it over?” There is literally nothing that will surprise me any longer. Except maybe common sense… and normal hornets.
(Get common sense and more from Chris Kamler on Twitter where he is known as @TheFakeNed)
