Well, folks, there’s a new sheriff in town and her name is Stacy Wiedmaier, Editor-in-Chief.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But what about Ivan Foley? That lovable curmudgeon who’s been steering this ink-stained ship for longer than most of us have been paying taxes?” And to that I say: Ivan who? Never heard of her. That guy is dead to me now. Deader than the potted plant I forgot to water back in 2019, God rest its leafy soul.
That’s right, I’ve turned over a new leaf faster than Ivan could turn over the keys. Loyalty, in the newspaper business, is a beautiful thing — right up until the moment somebody new signs the paychecks. (Note: Stacy, I hope Ivan reminded you that I’m paid $3,000 per column.) Then loyalty becomes whatever the new boss says it is. And I, for one, welcome our new Wiedmaier overlord with open arms, a firm handshake and a suspicious eagerness that borders on desperation.
You see, I’ve decided to make myself indispensable to the new Wiedmaier administration. Consider this my official application for Employee of the Month, every month, in perpetuity. Need some dry cleaning picked up? I’m your huckleberry. Coffee getting a little cold there, Stacy? Say no more — I’ll fetch you a fresh cup and I’ll even blow on it during the walk back so it arrives at a temperature scientifically calibrated to your preference. Which I will learn. Which I will memorize. Which I will tattoo on my forearm if that’s what it takes.
Car needs washing? Done. Kids need picking up from soccer practice? I don’t have a car seat, but I’ll figure something out, probably involving bungee cords and prayer. Gutters need cleaning? I haven’t been up a ladder in 30 years, but for the Wiedmaier’s, I’ll ascend to heights previously reserved for eagles and slightly braver squirrels.
I excel at washing windows, I am rarely late and proficient in Microsoft Excel.
I’m even considering recent precedent and lobbying to rename Riss Lake to Wiedmaier Pond. It worked for that lake we are at war with, right? I’ll get the liquid Wite-Out and Sharpies, you grab the maps.
Some might call this shameless. Some might call it groveling. I prefer to think of it as “proactive relationship management.” Ivan used to say things like, “You have no work ethic,” and “stop submitting your columns in crayon” and “Cindy says to stop faxing in your articles, we no longer have a fax machine.” Well, Ivan’s not here anymore, is he? He’s off somewhere, no doubt weeping over a toilet he is trying to unclog wearing a robe and slippers considering where the closest dispensary is. I am choosing to ingratiate myself to the future. (Hear that Ivan? A FOUR-SYLLABLE WORD. Stick that in your plunger and smoke it.)
So welcome Stacy! Great to know you. The future is bright! And the future is me sitting on a pontoon boat at Wiedmaier Pond.
