These days, walking into a grocery store feels less like errand-running and more like auditioning for Supermarket Sweep during hyperinflation.
Let’s talk about eggs. Remember 2022’s Great Egg Uproar? We thought $7 cartons were the apocalypse. Joke’s on us! Now eggs are practically currency. I half-expect my Hy-Vee to install a Brinks truck in the dairy aisle. But eggs are just the opening act. Milk costs more than a streaming subscription, bread’s priced like artisan sourdough even when it’s just… bread, and cereal? Forget it. You’ll need a co-signer for that family-sized box of Frosted Flakes.
Groceries have slowly creeped up since COVID like a frog in a slowly boiling pot. And if you buy something you haven’t for a few years (let’s say a brisket flat for instance), staring at a $60.00 sticker price is enough to check where the nearest defibrillator is. I do love my Hy-Vee Fuel Savers, but this cannot be sustained.
My coping strategy? I’ve become the Sherlock Holmes of markdowns. I’ve been stalking Aldi’s like they’re a celebrity at a McDonald’s. Prices are still high, but they’re not “oh my god I need to take out a second mortgage to buy these avocados” high. I’ve learned that “sell-by” dates are mere suggestions whispered by Big Grocery to guilt us into overspending. (RIP to the eggs I ate three weeks past their prime. Worth it.)
I have the complete layout of the Riverside Red X like it’s the back of my hand. I even know to avoid the Lotto Ticket counter on Saturdays because nobody signed up to be part of a Riverside mosh pit. You can find all kinds of, uh, unique finds there. I found a dented can of corn for $.25 and some “ugly” fruit on special as well. My fruit doesn’t need to be in a beauty pageant.
Now here’s where it gets bleak: I’ve converted most of my clothes shopping to thrift stores. I’m quite partial to My Best Friends Closet on Barry Road. But my thrift-store hauls now cost more than my old Target runs. Last week, I paid $12 for a T-shirt that faintly smelled of regret, sweat and mothballs. Facebook Marketplace isn’t safe either. I tried selling an extra iPad I got for a project that didn’t pan out and some guy offered me “Twitter followers” and a half-eaten bag of pretzels. Inflation’s at 4%, corporate raises are stuck in the 2% penalty box, and my dignity’s on clearance. The math outmaths us at some point.
How high can prices go? I don’t know, but I’ve started eyeing my houseplants as potential salad ingredients. I’m looking at you, Ficus. In the meantime, you’ll find me playing the scratchers at the Red X whilst scanning for more dented cans.
(Get more life tips from Kamler on Twitter, where you’ll find him as @chriskamler)
