This is my winter column. Don’t judge me. I’ve been on this planet for 58 years and have spent every single winter wondering exactly why I do this. Why do I live in this place where January is like some sort of punishment for the rest of the year? My family moved from Missouri once…. wait for it….. to Utah. They had snow packed so high, it seemed to never melt, and I was just a kid, and they rarely had a snow day because they were used to lots of snow.
I’m just beginning to think my people and I are not very intelligent, or we just like the pain that winter brings. Either way, it’s a perplexing issue to grapple with each year.
My gas meter is probably going to need replaced after this cold spell. Some gears in there gotta be worn out. My dogs trudge out the door to do their business each day as if they are being walked to a kill shelter. My older dog is like 14 years old or so and he has a certain temperature that is like a “no go” baseline. Anytime the windchill drops below 0 Fahrenheit, Zeke just says, “Nope, I’ll hold this until things get better.” He just takes one step out the door and turns around and comes back in and I can’t really blame him. You ever sat on a negative windchill toilet? Me neither.
I saw the sun a couple of times last week, only to be slapped with a nice, non-tariffed Canadian wind that sucked any joy left from soul. I don’t mean to be rude, but to heck with immigration, can Trump fix this with an executive order? Can Tom Homan deport this weather?
Has the Supreme Court ever ruled on this? There seems to be plenty of room for all of us in Arizona or New Mexico and Texas, but here we sit, waiting for north winds and snow thunder every year.
If you’re reading this from a snowbird location in a warmer climate, I dislike you very much. Let me know when you’re going to be home, and I’ll run over to Snow Creek and buy a bunch of snow to pile at your front door. I hope it’s hot and humid wherever you are, and you’re sweating and have mosquito bites around the elastic of your underwear.
I shoveled and pushed this last snow for a week, and it’s still not melted, and it has been three weeks. This is not what God intended. I don’t really know that for a fact, I have not been to church for a minute and maybe I don’t understand religion and weather, but surely no decent God would want us to do this every year.
What’s the Pope’s role in weather? Can we get him involved for some relief? I’m not Catholic, but tend to drink like a Catholic, so maybe I could get on a weather committee or something. I’m willing to do my part to lift my family and this area out of this thing we call winter, I’m community minded like that.
Pitchers and catchers report Feb. 12.
(Guy Speckman can be reached at weather committee meetings)
