Luckily, I think I have a few more years on this planet. God willing, let’s call it 30 more years. During that time, I am confident in a few things. The first is that Congress will continue to be ineffective for just about anything. The second is that taxes will always be too high and I will never make enough money. The third, and the one I’m most confident in, is that the University of Missouri will never win a national championship. In anything.
And yet, here I am. In my chicken-wing stained Mizzou shirt. Wondering why I keep coming back. Lucy summons me back to the field. “This time I’ll definitely let you kick it, Charlie Brown.”
I know she’s never going to let me. But I come back. I run at the ball. And she whisks it away every time. Mizzou, with an undefeated 4-0 season this year, had pulled me back in. I got to go to the Buffalo game, and while the offense didn’t look spectacular, I bought in. The defense hadn’t allowed a point in the first three weeks. Luther Burden looked like Tyreek Hill. Brady Cook was headed straight for a Heisman nomination.
You know the rest. I don’t even need to explain the rest. Ranked ninth in the country, they went into Texas A&M and didn’t just lose – they got obliterated. Every facet of the game down to the temperature of the Gatorade was won by A&M. They lost 41-10 and it was a miracle we even scored 10.
“I apologize to our fans,” said head coach Eli Drinkwitz. “It’s my responsibility for us to be better.” Yeah. That about sums it up. Mizzou had a bye the week before so they had two weeks to prepare for the 20th ranked Aggies and were completely exposed as frauds, dropping out of the top 10 and likely to drop out of the top 25 if this keeps up.
“Exposed As Fraud” is how USA Today summed it up. The Athletic called Missouri “paper tigers.” If you’ve followed Missouri in anything for more than five minutes, you know this is not just normal, but it’s to be expected.
My Missouri fandom began when I was in middle school watching the Tigers choke away an NCAA basketball tournament berth. The first year I was at Missouri, I watched the famous fifth down game. I have endured Tyus Edney, the flea-kicker game, Michael Porter Jr’s career lasting less than an episode of The Big Bang Theory.
None of this is new. I just don’t know why I keep coming back. Saturday proved that my relationship to Missouri is a clear example of Stockholm Syndrome. I can’t walk away. I am sunk money.
It wouldn’t feel right rooting for a winning university like Alabama, or Georgia, or, dare I say it… our neighbors an hour west on I-70. I would feel cheapened and dirty. Besides, I don’t deserve a Final Four banner or a National Championship.
I deserve a team that is just good enough to get on the national radar only to whiz it away in full frontal view on national television. I deserve to be a Tiger. You can’t spell misery without MIZ.
At least it will be over in 30 years.
(Get more from Chris Kamler on Twitter, where you’ll find his observations as @chriskamler)
