Let’s go over some random thoughts that go through my head. I’m not sure why these thoughts are there, but my therapist told me to write them down and Foley keeps printing them, so here we are.
Royals’ legend George Brett was recently interviewed about the possible move for the Royals from Kaufman Stadium to a new venue downtown. He had no political hot take on the matter beyond explaining that all he wanted out of Kaufman was a urinal. He said if he had to, he’d sneak into the stadium in the middle of the night to get his memento.
He said he has several urinals in his house already, but this would be a special keepsake.
This just tugged at my loins. There is not a man alive that doesn’t understand that having a urinal in your house is the ultimate status symbol of success. From a bulldozer operator to a bank president, urinal means one thing: success.
But stay with me here. If you’re a hetero female, ask your significant other to verify the rest of this. If you are gay female, I’m not sure what to do, but I’ve digressed.
Anyway, Kaufman used to have these half circle and full circle hand washing bays in the men’s restrooms. After using the urinals, the “hand washing” crowd of men would then crowd around these contraptions and wash their hands in this fountain type water stream, a birdbath for your hands, I suppose.
When times were good and Kaufman was full, you could count on one thing. Those “hand bird baths” quickly became supplemental urinals for fans that couldn’t wait in line to do their business and get back to the action. You also had to have a certain amount of, say.. confidence… to use this method.
Awkward, I suppose, but effective and efficient, nobody wants to miss a Tom Poquette single to left. These fixtures represent the best of times way more than any old urinal.
I therefore argue that the greatest player in Royals’ history deserves one of these hand bird baths in his house and not some ordinary urinal. Please make this happen.
Maybe ladies had the same configuration, I have no idea, never been in the ladies’ side, that I can recall. I once saw ladies relieving themselves in the sinks of the men’s restroom at a Bruce Springsteen concert in the 80’s and I’ve never quite recovered from it. It’s an impressive feat for any woman, is all to which I can attest.
I guess transgenders have ruined that now, too. Not that big a deal for some dude in a skirt to pee in a sink, I suppose.
I don’t really have a therapist, despite the obvious need. Foley prints this stuff for free and I spend my psyche budget on Bud Light, works out for everyone except the people that accidentally read it. Sorry about that.
Besides urinals, I’m also concerned about highway safety. I’d like to discuss the partial closure of the Highway 92 bridge over Interstate 29 in Platte City. Not sure I understand all the logic in the lane reduction, after the bridge was hit by a Track Hoe. Has someone studied the average weight on this bridge and concluded that two lanes are ok but four is not? I’m skeptical that is was all science driven. Mind you, it would be rare that all four lanes are always carrying traffic, so it’s not a simple four minus two equation. I have a feeling that the weights on this were “ballparked,” kind of like a driver’s license weight.
(Guy Speckman can be reached studying bridges struck by hoes and used urinals)