So many things going on this holiday season, and so many things to talk about. I’m going to try to cram them all into one stinky gym sock and hang it over the vent so the whole house can smell.
First up, a public offer to Taylor Swift. Taylor, I realize that you might need help with PR since being named Time’s Person of the Year. I know that your boyfriend, Chiefs wide receiver Travis Kelce has helped prop up your public persona a bit, but I’m here to make you an offer you cannot refuse.
We hear that you might be living in Kansas City. Ivan Foley and I help host the occasional live podcast named “Landmark Live” that has interviewed famous comedian Vicki Lawrence. We hope to bring you the same exposure that helped re-launch Vicki’s career and not have to re-record all of those records you used to sing. But be prepared. We would ask you hard hitting questions about your life and your career, like “when do you think you’ll be a judge on Star Search?” and “which Sonic do you like to go to?”
The offer is open ended. We’d be glad to have you. I’ll even throw in a bottle of BBQ sauce and a t-shirt that reads “KANSAS CITY” on it, because those are required for all KC residents. Please send serious inquiries only to Ivan Foley, care of this newspaper.
With that out of the way, I’m getting more and more concerned about our friend Elon Musk. Elmo has not only driven my former playground “Twitter” into the ground, but now seems dead set on torching the place for insurance money. This week, Twitter invited back conspiracy theorist Alex Jones who was banned in 2018 for harassing the families of Sandy Hook victims. One of the biggest deadbeats in history. Welcome back! It’s hard to give up 17,000 followers, but that’s just what I’ve done as I moved my social media accounts over to Meta’s Threads and BlueSky. Threads is run by another idiot, so I’m sure I’ll have problems there, as well. But at least they’re not actively pursuing morons. You can find me on both platforms @thefakened.
Living without Twitter the last couple of weeks has seemed like I have a phantom leg. Sometimes I’ll just go to open the app and it not be there. I deleted it from my phone, but I still find myself wanting that sense of community and friendship. Sadly, it’s turned very toxic on the platform, but I have life-long friends I met there. Kind of like meeting your wife at a bar that has since changed cooks so the food is terrible. You still hold a special place in your heart for it, but you can’t forgive them for making you meet your wife.
Finally, I don’t know when I’ll be ready to talk about Sunday’s game, but I’m not quite ready yet. I will say this…I have been lining up for things since I was in preschool. We lined up to go to the bathroom. We lined up for recess. We lined up for lunch. I’ve lined up for sporting events. I line up at the grocery store.
Never in my life have I lined up offsides. How on earth can you line up offsides if that’s literally part of your job description?