This column is about poop. I imagine that, at some level, you could say this about the previous 517 columns I’ve written for this fine newspaper, but this one is overtly about crap. Dookie. The Deuce.
It is said that there is more that unites us than divides us, but there is one major division between humans and that is gender. One gender has an outie, and one has an innie. But nature isn’t perfect and there are also those who switch lanes, or aren’t assigned anything, or just feel more comfortable on the other team.
What DOES unite us is that all of us drop the kids off at the pool. We all take the train to brown town, if you know what I’m saying. We all have to make the poo poo and we usually have to do it at least once a day. Sometimes, like when we’ve eaten at In-A-Tub, it’s more.
Enter the shining crown jewel of Platte County – the new KCI Airport Terminal. It has raised some pearl clutchers and hackles with the introduction of gender neutral bathrooms. I will pause as you gasp aloud.
Let’s ignore that these gender neutral bathrooms are simply a toilet in a small private area. Let’s also ignore that the only the sinks are the shared area of the bathroom. Let’s instead focus on how WOKE KCI has become with allowing the boy poopie to mix with the girl poopie and that could somehow make some trans poopie. (I think that’s the math here.)
Going to a toilet where a person of the opposite sex has sat won’t make you gay or trans or purple or green. If that were the case, then everyone who has a bathroom at home would be affected. And I’ve got news for you, too – you never got your panties or boxers in a wad about the gender neutral bathrooms on the actual plane. You just wanted to get de-woke-ified about the restrooms at the new airport and get some clicks on your social media posts.
An airport is made for everyone. It is literally the junction for inclusion. Everyone should be able to come here and everyone should be able to leave. If you want to drop your kids off at the pool while you’re here – that’s fine, too. Just wash your hands.
As for our offended friends who vow to never poop in a gender neutral bathroom – I hope that stick up your butt is a big one because it’s going to be keeping you from building any log cabins on the Hershey highway any time soon. I hate to tell you, but those Baby Ruths that you make all go down the same tubes and get mixed up with all other kinds of mud pies. The only thing different is the sender. And you want to get picky about who gets to grace which one-holer?
The only thing full of crap is going to be you.
(Get other comments about crap and stuff from Chris Kamler on Twitter as @TheFakNed)