Happy 4th of July. Ask your family over for a good time. Bring up Roe v. Wade when you want everyone to go home. Perfect timing for a controversial Supreme Court ruling to drop.
If that doesn’t get the party to disperse, bring up gun control. Last but not least, just say “Trump” or “Hillary” and that should clear a path for you to an empty house. Careful though, if you elaborate much beyond a couple of words, the wife may leave too, and you need her to make you a sandwich.
That was a joke. Calm down. Don’t turn me in to Gloria Steinem… or my wife.
This seems like an opportune time to tell you I don’t care for fireworks. Maybe I’m just a weak sissy male or something, but I just don’t get much joy from shooting them or watching them.I probably should seek counseling or something. Anyway, pray for me the next ten days or so.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m good for five or 10 minutes of “ooh, ahh” fireworks display watching, but after that I’m done. Kind of feel like this is a confessional column. I still love America and apple pie and baseball, just not fireworks, don’t ship me off to China for having these feelings.
I would not exist well in China. I’m not a huge fan of COVID and I lasted about 12 hours with the last “lockdown” we had here, so I’m not sure I could stand a China lockdown where they shoot your dog and beat you with a stick for stepping out of your apartment.
Do me a favor and don’t show this column to my wife.
Foley beat me to it last week, but you guys gotta reconsider your support for Eric Greitens for Senate. Dude is not hinged properly. I love me some early days Eric, Navy Seal, campaign ads when he would shoot a gun and run obstacle courses, but that routine has jumped the shark.
I’m moving to the Vicky Hartzler side of the equation. Don’t tell Gloria about this as well, I doubt she thinks much of red state Republican women.
I do not want to brag, but I must. I wrote recently that I had never worn a sash after I saw that kids in the Mr. and Ms. Contest at the Platte County Fair have been rewarded with sashes in past contests. A loyal Ponder the Thought reader corrected that wrong. I was presented a custom-made sash last week with the words, “Guy’s First Sash” emblazoned across it, and I must admit, it was perfect and as glorious as I imagined. I recommend everyone get their own sash before life’s unrelenting timeline gets away from you.
I might even reconsider my senate vote if Eric Greitens would put down his machine gun and wear a sash in a future commercial. I’m that onboard the “Unabashed Sash” train. I think they may be the secret to world peace. If Trump and Hillary had worn sashes, maybe we could have avoided all of this political discourse over the last decade. Prove me wrong!
(Guy Speckman cannot be reached, he is seeking professional assistance for his fireworks hesitancy)