onder the Thought, Christmas style. When I was younger, I used to try to do positive columns only through the entire month of December. Those days are over, so now, I just try to at least write a positive column for Christmas week. Plan your next five minutes accordingly, longer if you went to public schools.
How about a virtual hug for anyone that has delivered a package to your house over the last year? USPS, UPS and Fed Ex workers should get a statue built for them after this pandemic is over. Those people are working like crazy. When this is all over, I say they deserve real life hugs, no funny stuff though. Toss them a gift bag, bag of weed or some alcohol, or even a real kind “thank you” if sin gifts aren’t your thing.
If the pandemic is still going Christmas week of 2021, I’m not writing a positive column. Write it yourself. Mine will be as negative to the core, I’m positive about that.
For Christmas, I hope President Trump finds a home to move to and that Melania moves to the same place. I’m positive that one may happen, but not both.
I hope “Alleged President-elect” Joe Biden doesn’t catch Kamala measuring windows at the White House in 2021. I also hope Hunter can stay out of prison and everyone calls Jill, Dr. That would be cool.
I remain positive that we will once again gather in places and complain about crowds in the coming year. Ball games, theatres, churches, court, prison waiting rooms or whatever floats your boat. I can’t wait to wait in a line to get in a place to sit too close to a stranger. I’m positive that you feel the same.
I’ve never been much of a hugger but I’m positive that when Tony Fauci says this is over; I’m hugging each and every person that reads this column. How long does it take to hug four or five people?
I am positive that we will all undergo way more elective medical procedures than necessary in 2021. Give me an MRI or give me death. Yeah, we’ll be clamoring to get colonoscopies, tread mill tests, cataract surgery, knee replacements and root canals just to prove that this thing is over. We’ll march into the doctors waiting rooms with no masks with all the confidence of a UFC fighter, and we’ll LIKE it! Have your insurance card locked and loaded.
I am positive that 2021 will bring some election that will be the most important election of our lives. Plan accordingly. I’m also positive that everyone involved will cheat to get elected.
I’m positive that your relatives will annoy you even if you just do Christmas by ZOOM call this year. That annoying “Trump’er” Uncle will wear his MAGA hat and your slightly feminine nephew will wear his gay pride flag shirt just to annoy everyone else. Your 60-year-old white privileged, middle class, sister will wear her black lives matter skull cap and they’ll all spend a few minutes on Baby Jesus and then rip into their respective idiocy of national concern. I’m positive the mute button was created by God himself for this very moment, use it.
Lastly, I’m positive I appreciate you reading this column. Thank you.
(Guy Speckman can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or preaching positivity once a year)