Had a battle with arch enemies on Saturday.
I headed to Riverside for the Park Hill South High School homecoming parade, getting there early with time to kill. So I opted to swing by our news rack at one of the local Riverside hot spots to empty the coins.
At the Corner Café, I unlocked the padlock and opened the back side of the machine to be met with several less than pleased wasps. They weren’t happy that I had interrupted whatever it is they were doing in there. I successfully dodged that first wave of incoming attack bombers by quickly backing away a few steps.
When the immediate danger had passed, I went in for a closer look. After initially being confused as to why there would be so many wasps with no nest in the visible area, some further scientific study allowed me to locate the home of these killers. There was a nest on the underside of the news rack’s back panel. Those sneaky bastards. They’re not the brightest dudes but apparently they do understand that war is the art of deception.
Noticing the nest and noticing several of the terrorists still gathered upon it, I needed to mentally regroup. It was time to assess the situation and develop some strategy.
Not being a county employee and not being inside a county building, I was not carrying a firearm. No pistol, no shotgun, no AR-15. I was warm but I was not packing heat.
So I needed a weapon. I was not even armed with any Hot Shot spray or anything of that ilk. After all, it’s not often I open one of our news racks and encounter a swarm of aggressive insects.
Looking around for options, I grabbed the padlock. It was one of those long-necked locks, which gave me an idea. I extended the neck on that lock to its longest point. I then swung the lock, like a very miniature baseball bat, at the nest. Unfortunately I didn’t make good contact the first attempt. Using a baseball analogy, it was kind of like hitting a foul tip at the plate. The first swing accomplished nothing other to irritate more wasps, and another dive bomber traveled in my direction. I reacted with a head bob and weave, kind of a Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope move. Another disaster avoided, at least for the time being.
By this time a few spectators had formed outside the restaurant. Had I known this was going to go down, I would have sold tickets. Or taken it to Facebook Live.I noticed the spectators were remaining at a safe distance. I also noticed they weren’t offering any tips or offering to help. They were more interested in keeping this a spectator sport. Kind of like watching a train wreck.
It was time to take my second swing of that padlock. Determined not to miss again, I kept my eye on the target and gave it a whirl. Made good contact this time. It was a direct hit. The nest went flying off the underside of that back cover and toward the front door of the restaurant.
For a second or two I was proud of myself. Then I quickly realized there were consequences to be dealt with. There were more soldiers inside that nest who came flying out of their bunker.
Multiple wasps were now flying at me in full-on attack mode. I had no choice but to dance like nobody was watching.
In a span of about 15-20 seconds, I spontaneously broke out every Michael Jackson dance move I could remember. Except for the crotch grab.
I started with the robot. Kind of a frozen-in-time stance, with slow and deliberate movement. Wasn’t working. The wasps kept coming.
So I went into the Michael Jackson anti-gravity deep forward lean. This helped me dodge two of the attackers who, confused by this rarely seen dance move, flew behind my head.
More kept coming.
So I went into the Michael Jackson spin. Then the circle slide.
Success. There had been no stings as of yet, and by this time I was feeling it, getting caught up in the moment. Kind of sewing my oats, if you will.
It was time for the MJ kick. This scared off one of the low flyers. I followed it up with the Michael Jackson toe stand. Don’t remember that one? Google it. There really was no tactical advantage gained with this move, at this point I was just showing off.
One enemy remained in flight. If you’re familiar with Michael Jackson videos, you can probably guess which maneuver I saved for the grand finale. Having dodged so many aggressive fighters, I celebrated by dancing the moonwalk, figuratively rubbing it in the face of the final wasp, who seemed to be on some sort of reconnaissance mission.
Somewhat miraculously, I escaped this ordeal unscathed.
Not all heroes wear capes, you guys.
They say this is a new beginning for the Platte City Rotary Club.
If you’re like me, you might be saying: “I didn’t realize Platte City had a Rotary Club.”
I guess there is such a thing. Though it isn’t dead, I get the impression it might have recently been placed on life support and is now trying to revive itself. New members are welcome, I’m told.
This week as The Landmark was going to press, the club was holding a Tuesday noon meeting at Tanner’s, hearing from Julie McCoy and how Rotary International makes a difference in your community.
For the month of September, the Platte City Rotary Club will meet again on Sept.17.
Beginning in October, the club will meet the first, third and the fifth Tuesday of the month. The club says it has a goal to build membership and “provide informative speakers and fun opportunities to make a difference in Platte City.”
(Get Between the Lines updates on Twitter @ivanfoley and find Foley on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and YouTube. Email him at ivan@plattecountylandmark.com)