Let’s face it — American politics has become a spectator sport with higher stakes and worse refereeing than the NFL (I’m looking at you, Carl Cheffers). We’ve all got our favorite players (Senator Gridiron! The Supreme Court Starting Lineup!), we obsess over their stats (bills passed, scandals survived), and we’re emotionally invested in outcomes that, let’s be honest, have about as much impact on our daily lives as a 4th-quarter Hail Mary by South Northern State University. So why not lean into the madness? It’s time to launch the Fantasy Politics leagues—where the only thing more chaotic than the game is your ability to pretend you’re in control of it.
The rules are simple. First, draft your team of politicians. Points are awarded for performative theatrics: 10 points for a filibuster, 15 for a primetime committee meltdown, 20 if someone actually throws a shoe. Lobbyists are your “free agents,” and you can trade a congressperson for a Supreme Court justice if they issue a dissenting opinion that goes viral. Mitch McConnell blinking? That’s a secret bonus round where you get 200 points.
Scoring gets spicy when real-world consequences enter the chat. Your senator brokers a bipartisan bill? Yawn. Minus 5 points. But if you have Josh Hawley on your team and he puts his foot in his mouth on Fox News? Jackpot. 50 points, plus a “C-SPAN Cinematic Universe” achievement badge. Cabinet members earn double points during international gaffes—picture the Premier League, but instead of soccer tackles, it’s the Secretary of State mispronouncing “Kyiv” while holding a laminated map upside down.
The true beauty of Fantasy Politics is that it weaponizes our collective despair. Instead of doomscrolling through headlines about inflation or tanks rolling through American cities, you’ll check your app and think, “Sure, the planet’s burning, but AOC just called a press conference to deny smack down Robert F Kennedy Jr on getting rid of apple juice or something. WOW. I am KILLING it in the league this week!” It’s capitalism meets coping mechanism.
Critics will argue this trivializes democracy as turning serious things into silly things. To them I say: Have you seen democracy lately? It’s already trivializing itself! A Fantasy Politics draft would be the most functional thing to happen in Washington DC since they erected the Washington Monument. Besides, imagine the civic engagement! Suddenly, voters will care about midterm elections because their cousin’s fantasy team, “The Lobbying Lumberjacks,” is relying on a strong showing from that freshman rep who moonlights as a TikTok conspiracy theorist.
So grab your friends, your enemies, and that one uncle who still thinks Paul Ryan is “cool.” Assemble your roster of chaos agents, stock up on electoral college-shaped cereal, and let’s turn this three-ring circus into a fantasy we can all laugh through. Because if we’re going to survive the next election cycle, we might as well be the ones keeping score.
—Commissioner of Your New Fantasy League Obsession
