It’s been building for years. Ever since you were kicked off of the junior varsity squad, you knew this moment would come. It’s almost here. It’s almost that time.
You’ve set out your ballcap that you’ll wear backwards, your Air Monarchs sneakers, and your phone on the belt clip. You’ve finished your work calls early so that you’re the first one in the gym. You are well “hydrated.” Today is your day.
It doesn’t matter that your kid’s team jumps out to a 10-2 run to start the game. You’re there to do business, and business never takes a day off. And then. It happens. A foul is called on your little Buttercup. It clearly wasn’t a foul. You could see it from over 100 feet away. You also know that the official was out of position because of that online officiating course they made you take a couple of years ago when you got kicked out of that softball tournament.
You stand, proudly, hat still elegantly turned around backwards and you bellow, “CALL IT BOTH WAYS!!!!”
Everyone in the gymnasium turns to look at you. You see the looks of pride on their faces. You see that they value your input to this high school basketball game. You even catch a glimpse of the official you just berated giving you a little respectful side-eye. You sense him saying to you “thanks, man, I will watch for that traveling call a little more closely in the second quarter.”
Your first outburst only emboldens you. You complete the full evolution to “that guy.” Oh, you know the guy we’re talking about. The centerpiece of any high school sporting event. The one who points out every failing of the officiating crew. The one who doubts the coaching methods of the trained coaches. The one who under his breath knows that the other team is just a bunch of losers.
That guy is the cornerstone of high school sports. That guy has been your goal ever since you were in high school. That guy is how sports are done.
You bellow out the classic catchphrases, “THREE SECONDS.” And “YOU’RE MISSING A GOOD GAME REF – OPEN YOUR EYES.” And who could forget the, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?”
The crowd might’ve paid $5 to watch their kids play, but they’ve certainly earned that money listening to you instead.
That guy is going to keep high school sports going for a long time.
Except he won’t. That guy decided to shout “ANOTHER BLOWN CALL” to a referee who is working his ninth night in a row because there’s a shortage of officials. Normally, with his bad knees, he can barely do two nights in a row. And now, the swelling in his knee means he needs to take the rest of the month off.
That guy causes two varsity tournaments to be called off because of lack of officials. It seems that maybe folks aren’t out there only to listen to “that guy” after all, and, frankly, don’t want to spend their evenings being yelled at. You’d think that guy would’ve learned by now, but, sadly, maybe when the cancellations start, he will.
We know you’ve got a degree in smarmy sports commentary, but please, don’t be that guy.
(Get more Chris Kamler commentary on Twitter, where he is known as @TheFakeNed)