• About Us
  • Advertise
  • Contact Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Pickem Terms and Conditions
Thursday, September 28, 2023
The Platte County Landmark Newspaper
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem!
    • Weekly Pickem Updates
    • Login / Sign-up
    • Results by Week
    • The Leaderboard
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem!
    • Weekly Pickem Updates
    • Login / Sign-up
    • Results by Week
    • The Leaderboard
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish
No Result
View All Result
The Platte County Landmark Newspaper
No Result
View All Result

Cow cuddling,

Guy Speckman by Guy Speckman
March 18, 2021
in Ponder the Thought
Cow cuddling
16
SHARES
409
VIEWS
Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare via Email

I owe my readers an apology. I’ve been wasting this space with various political, economic and sports opinions. I spit out column after column about things that I thought were important. Foley continued to publish this nonsense every single week, I suppose, out of pity for my lack of awareness about the real world. I am profoundly sorry that it took me this long to discover this important news that we all need to know in these trying times.

“Cow Cuddling” has become an important therapy for people during the pandemic. As far as I can tell, the Platte County Landmark has never informed you of this life changing news. This publication has provided you information on stimulus money, vaccines, health department rules and a host of other supposedly important information but never did they tell you that it all could be better with a little cow cuddling. I’m sad to have been part of this cover up.

RelatedNews

Turd of a column,

Office space, lead and assessors

He/him, watch your language?

Anyway, The Washington Post has reported that Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary in Arizona charges people $75 an hour to cuddle with cows. The owner, Aimee, reports that she has approximately 20 calls a day for this service. Aimee’s cows are booked through June and into July, so you might have to wait if you are partial to her bovine, but honestly, we live in Missouri, there are lots of lonely cows.

Now, I had always heard rumors of some guys getting a little close to a wayward sheep or two when I was young, but I had never heard of cow cuddling. Heck, Foley was publishing stories about a high school principal and a priest that paid similar fees for human companionship just a few years ago. Has cow cuddling edged out “massage” as the go-to diversion for the American condition? Not sure Motel 6 allows cows, you’ll have to check.

Back to the point is that apparently this needs to be a known solution to what ails you. As a secondary benefit, maybe some local farmers would want to set up some cuddling stations in conjunction with vaccine distribution. A few last-minute cuddles before we send Bessie to the McDonald’s drive through to be paired with some Kansas wheat and some special sauce.

You all know about Arizona cows anyway. They’re always a bit on the skinny side. If you really need a cuddle, a Missouri cow is probably going to solve that craving more than some skinny, hot cow in the desert. You need a cow with some “junk in the trunk,” if you know what I mean.

Listen, have some respect. This is not like corn and the first 10 rows of a farmer’s field belong to the public. You can’t start jumping fences and hugging any cow you see; that’s not proper. If you see a cow you like, ask the farmer if you can pay him $75 to hug it for an hour. Find a nice spot in an open field but keep it classy; this ain’t Arkansas.

Not all cows are cuddlers and not all farmers have time to run cow brothels. Somebody run this by Zahnd or the health department because I have no idea if this is legal in Missouri. It probably is but if not, I’d guess you can just cross the river, Kansas has some liberal farm animal laws for a red state.

Again, I apologize for not bringing this to you sooner. This could have helped you through quarantine and while you waited on stimulus checks. My apologies going forward. I’m sad about my lack of awareness and can only promise to do better.

(Guy Speckman can be reached at gspeckman@me.com or cuddling farm animals at local vaccination events)

Tags: covid-19Health Departmentplatte county
Guy Speckman

Guy Speckman

Guy Speckman is a Landmark contributing columnist with his Ponder the Thought column. Speckman is the former owner of the Savannah Reporter, where the column appeared for nearly two decades. Speckman is a former city government manager, serving as city administrator in Maysville, Plattsburg and Savannah before entering business. He is a graduate of Northwest Missouri State University (1989). He is originally from Plattsburg, Missouri. He and his wife own and operate a real estate valuation firm and a daily legal newspaper and are the parents of two grown children.

Related Posts

45 Years Ago–Sept. 22, 1978

by Ivan Foley
September 25, 2023
0

The Platte County Recorder of Deeds office has moved to the basement of the John R. Moore Law Building on Main Street in Platte City as of this week. Mark Mitchell of Huntsville, Ala., spent last weekend with his parents,...

30 Years Ago–Sept. 17, 1993

by Ivan Foley
September 25, 2023
0

Insurance coverage for the Zed Martin Day festival will be provided by the City of Platte City, thanks to a resolution passed by the city’s board of aldermen at a meeting Tuesday night. The annual Zed Martin Day celebration is...

15 Years Ago–Sept. 17, 2008

by Ivan Foley
September 25, 2023
0

The death of Valentin G. Kirilchuk, 39, of Springfield at the I-29 rest area south of Dearborn has been ruled a homicide by the Missouri State Highway Patrol. Kirilchuk was found on Monday, Sept. 8 in the men’s bathroom at...

Letter to the Editor

He sounds exasperated

by Landmark Digital
September 25, 2023
0

EDITOR: In your Between the Lines column last week (Sept. 13 edition), somehow you credit Plattsburg High School for Guy Speckman's choice of words as he used the word 'opulent' (in Ponder the Thought on page 3 of the same...

Next Post
A clinician for the health post

A clinician for the health post

Popular News

  • Jack Stack Barbecue considering Platte County

    Jack Stack Barbecue considering Platte County

    185 shares
    Share 74 Tweet 46
  • Main Street Festival is Thursday

    25 shares
    Share 10 Tweet 6
  • Char Bar coming to Parkville

    127 shares
    Share 51 Tweet 32
  • Subdivision of 225 homes gets early okay

    15 shares
    Share 6 Tweet 4
  • This is no time for Platte City to be asleep at the wheel

    8 shares
    Share 3 Tweet 2
  • About Us
  • Advertise
  • Contact Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Pickem Terms and Conditions
Call us at 816-858-0363

Copyright © 2019-2020 The Platte County Landmark Newspaper - All Rights Reserved

No Result
View All Result
  • Subscribe Online
  • Home
  • Local News
  • Opinion
  • Landmark Pickem
    • Login / Sign-up
    • Results by Week
    • The Leaderboard
    • Pickem Rules and Help
  • Landmark Live!
  • Looking Backward
  • es_MXSpanish

Copyright © 2019-2020 The Platte County Landmark Newspaper - All Rights Reserved