owe my readers an apology. I’ve been wasting this space with various political, economic and sports opinions. I spit out column after column about things that I thought were important. Foley continued to publish this nonsense every single week, I suppose, out of pity for my lack of awareness about the real world. I am profoundly sorry that it took me this long to discover this important news that we all need to know in these trying times.
“Cow Cuddling” has become an important therapy for people during the pandemic. As far as I can tell, the Platte County Landmark has never informed you of this life changing news. This publication has provided you information on stimulus money, vaccines, health department rules and a host of other supposedly important information but never did they tell you that it all could be better with a little cow cuddling. I’m sad to have been part of this cover up.
Anyway, The Washington Post has reported that Aimee’s Farm Animal Sanctuary in Arizona charges people $75 an hour to cuddle with cows. The owner, Aimee, reports that she has approximately 20 calls a day for this service. Aimee’s cows are booked through June and into July, so you might have to wait if you are partial to her bovine, but honestly, we live in Missouri, there are lots of lonely cows.
Now, I had always heard rumors of some guys getting a little close to a wayward sheep or two when I was young, but I had never heard of cow cuddling. Heck, Foley was publishing stories about a high school principal and a priest that paid similar fees for human companionship just a few years ago. Has cow cuddling edged out “massage” as the go-to diversion for the American condition? Not sure Motel 6 allows cows, you’ll have to check.
Back to the point is that apparently this needs to be a known solution to what ails you. As a secondary benefit, maybe some local farmers would want to set up some cuddling stations in conjunction with vaccine distribution. A few last-minute cuddles before we send Bessie to the McDonald’s drive through to be paired with some Kansas wheat and some special sauce.
You all know about Arizona cows anyway. They’re always a bit on the skinny side. If you really need a cuddle, a Missouri cow is probably going to solve that craving more than some skinny, hot cow in the desert. You need a cow with some “junk in the trunk,” if you know what I mean.
Listen, have some respect. This is not like corn and the first 10 rows of a farmer’s field belong to the public. You can’t start jumping fences and hugging any cow you see; that’s not proper. If you see a cow you like, ask the farmer if you can pay him $75 to hug it for an hour. Find a nice spot in an open field but keep it classy; this ain’t Arkansas.
Not all cows are cuddlers and not all farmers have time to run cow brothels. Somebody run this by Zahnd or the health department because I have no idea if this is legal in Missouri. It probably is but if not, I’d guess you can just cross the river, Kansas has some liberal farm animal laws for a red state.
Again, I apologize for not bringing this to you sooner. This could have helped you through quarantine and while you waited on stimulus checks. My apologies going forward. I’m sad about my lack of awareness and can only promise to do better.
(Guy Speckman can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or cuddling farm animals at local vaccination events)