Gather round kids, Grandpa is going to tell you a little story about the early ’20’s.”
“Aw, not again. Can’t we put in our sensory Minecraft pods, Grandpa? I’m almost to Level 5,019.”
“No, these are important stories, kids. Now, let’s set out your protein pellet. Alexa-Oogle, can you dim the lights and put on some story telling music?”
The year was 2021. Now, I know I’ve told you stories before about the year 2020. That year was wild. But what we didn’t know was what was in store for us the year after. Sure, we survived the murder hornets…”
“I still don’t think those are real, Grandpa. You like to make stuff up. Like Kaitlyn Jenner was never a boy.”
“No. Really. These stories are all 100% true.”
The year was 2021 and the temperature was minus 11 outside.”
“Grandpa. Don’t you remember that we converted to the Metric system like 20 years ago?”
“Oh. Right. It was -23 Celsius outside, and the electric company had just cut off our power.”
“That’s not possible, Grandpa. Didn’t the solar companies start their coal-generated backup plants?”
“Well, kids, you see, this was before we had any alternate power. We only used the coal plants and it seems that Texas needed all the electricity that day because it snowed a half-inch. Oh. Sorry, .1 meters.”
You see, kids, when we were younger, many years ago, the world didn’t work like it does now. People were isolated. We only worked from our home pods because of the disease that was going around the planet. We invested in companies to troll the system. We followed leaders who tried to overthrow the government by sending shirtless guys in viking helmets. We watched ladies in bob haircuts walk into WalMarts without protective masks and yell at people about it. This was a crazy time.”
“Grandpa, your stories don’t make a lot of sense. President Octavia-Cortez said in Twittergram that she wants to capture these stories for future generations. You should submit your story. I will go get the recording pod.”
“No. Kids. These stories are just for you. These were crazy times, but they led to better times. The early 20’s led to so many advancements. We can now vaccinate an entire population in an afternoon. The climate has been fixed so it never falls below four celsius and never above 32. Kaitlyn Jenner has turned out to be a great Supreme Court Justice. And every school was renamed after another hero of the early 2020’s – Dr. Anthony Fauci.”
“I’m sorry, Grandpa. I just don’t believe that this all happened in two years.”
“I haven’t even gotten to the part about Larry King or the lawyer who joined his Zoom court call as a cat. This was before Ivanka Trump was sent to prison and then got out so she could be on American Idol.”
“Grandpa, you mean the same Ivanka Trump who ran for president with Gina Corrano?”
“Yep. The very same.”
“Wow, Grandpa, 2020 and 2021 sure was crazy. Now, can we go outside and play with our flying iPods?”
“Sure, kids. Be careful. Love you.”
(Get more from Chris Kamler on Twitter, where you will find him as @TheFakeNed)