These are heavy times. These are the times that test men’s souls. These are the voyages of the… No, wait. That isn’t it. Let me try again.
We are disappointed to announce the cancelation of… DEEZ NUTZ.
See, I have a condition. It’s not the Covid-19 disease. It’s not influenza-A or even strep throat. I have been tested for this condition and it will be with me until death. It is “Smart Ass Syndrome.”
This condition affects me and everyone I come in contact with. While it’s not terminal, it makes the recipient feel very bad, and also a little mad at me. The problem is, that I can’t stop making jokes in this time of great seriousness.
Whether it’s on Twitter: “Sure, we fired the pandemic folks in the government, but we got a sweet Space Force. Focus on the positive.” Or it’s in line at the grocery store. “Boy, I haven’t seen this many people shopping for toilet paper since the Royals lost 100 games!! Hey Oooooo!” Or it’s at work. “You guys, I’m going to have to postpone putting on pants today.”
The jokes are borderline inappropriate. They are not funny if you or someone you love is suffering from the Coronavirus. But it’s the only way I can cope with this. If you watch more than 10 minutes of the news, you want to turn it off. Three minutes if it’s Fox News. There are no happy stories, only stories about bracing for what is about to hit us. It’s invisible. It’s deadly. It’s everywhere around us. It’s like those Jurassic Park movies. You know they’re terrible, and yet, they keep coming and coming and you walk out wanting to wash your hands.
I guess I’ve used humor, or, at least, what I see as humor in times of great despair in my past. Let’s just say I was practicing social distancing decades before it became popular. I was in the band.
One of these days, I’ll probably say the wrong thing to the wrong person. One of these days, I’ll probably put my foot in my mouth. But if I wash it before and after, am I still okay?
I guess what I’m saying is that amongst all of the cancellations, the NBA, the NFL, hell, even NASCAR – a sport where you literally drive by yourself for three hours – is cancelled. The only thing that hasn’t been cancelled is humor. It’s what is going to get us through this. That, and toilet paper, apparently. We’ve managed to make it through eighteen other COVID viruses. COVID-19 isn’t going to be the one that takes us down.
So make your jokes that cause your coworkers to roll their eyes. You’ll all be working from home soon enough. Get started on that honeydo list while there isn’t any sports on. Those tulips aren’t going to plant themselves. Laugh. Buy Clorox wipes. Find a way to get through this.
Besides, this is really all just a scam by the makers of Candy Crush to get us staring at our phones anyway. What else are you going to do, read a book? Okay, Einstein. Slow your roll.
Good luck the next few weeks. If you need a laugh so you don’t cry, I’ll be here. Covid and chill, everybody. Covid and chill.
(More smartassery is always available from Chris Kamler on Twitter, where he is known as @TheFakeNed)