We have a ton of problems in this country. Politics. Racial unrest. Pandemics. There seems to be a lack of discipline in this country. A lack of direction.
Let’s take the elephant in the room – or, rather, the coughing, feverish elephant in the room. Coronavirus. COVID-19. There are scientists talking about the severity of the virus that is now sweeping the globe. In the United States, officials are a little more wishy washy. We as a country are confused. Do we stock up on Kleenex and toilet paper? Do we just go about our business? Do we have large gatherings? Do we work from home?
Enter the elementary school lunch monitor. You remember this person, right? If you’ve gone to lunch with your kids recently or you remember them from when you were in school – it’s basically the same person. Drill sergeant. Screaming to QUIET DOWN. SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
The elementary school lunch monitor is the person we need to lead this country moving forward. WASH YOUR HANDS FOR 30 SECONDS. STOP RUBBING BOOGERS ON YOUR NEIGHBOR. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CDC WEBSITE.
How could this fail? We don’t need debate right now. We don’t need dilly dallying. We need leadership and direction. Even though the lunch monitor might have a slight obsessive disorder. Even though the lunch monitor might have a few violent offenses on his or her criminal record. Throw all that out the window. We need someone screaming at us on how to make sure we don’t get on a cruise ship, or that we fist bump people.
The lunch monitor can help us with Corona. He can help us with all of the tough issues. She can help us provide the direction our country needs for the economy. The stock market. BUY LOW SELL HIGH. DON’T BUY BITCOIN. INVEST IN AMAZON. Easy. Piece of cake!
Plus think of all of the structure and discipline these people can provide. Sure, nobody would be able to stand up during dinner time, but that’s a small price to pay for the order our country needs right now. Look up and down the headlines.
The election? YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON’T PITCH A FIT.
Stock market tanking? STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY ON CANDY – EAT YOUR VEGETABLES AND SIT DOWN.
Violence in our cities? YOU KIDS ARE GOING TO GET THE PADDLE IF YOU DON’T SHAPE UP.
It’s fool-proof. Let’s bring back those nasty, repressed lunch monitors – it’s for everyone’s good. Plus, we’ll probably be able to start drinking milk out of those cool tiny milk cartons again.
(Give Chris Kamler the paddle on Twitter where you can find him as @TheFakeNed. You’ll also find him by searching Rambling Morons on YouTube. And wherever Bitcoin is sold)