It is with great thanks that this message reaches you at such a desperate hour. You don’t know how relieved I was to hear that you and your family are safe. With the stories that we’ve heard, we’re taking nothing for granted. Since the news was pronounced, we’ve been sheltered in the basement with only a spotty 4G signal keeping us informed of the news of the world.
The news has been dire, obviously. We’ve heard about the bands of hooligans and illegals and drug mules streaming across the border of Kansas into the northern counties of Platte and Clay. They carry with them plates on their carriages that even announce for all the world to see that they hail from the County of Johnson or the Dotte. As if we couldn’t tell by the way they aren’t using their turn signals and driving across the center lines.
From our basement, we can hear rumors of our pantries being overrun by these ne’er-do-weller’. On a recent supply run, the Costco was reportedly nearly out of Pita Chips and the frozen ice cream machine is on the fritz.
These problems didn’t exist before “those” people came our way bringing with them their Advil habit and their love of Lawrence. They speak in lies and falsehoods. Even their mascot is fake.
It is with solemn despair that I write this letter to you, our fearless leader, that something must be done.
We must build a wall along the Kaw and along the Missouri, and even down the heart of Brookside. A great wall. A magnificent, clear, transparent, yet impossible to traverse wall. Missourians have been wanting this for decades, but enough is enough. Obviously, with the major rash of crimes in recent weeks, an executive emergency must be called to take funds away from filling potholes and salting streets. Or better yet – make Kansas pay for it. I’m sure Iowa and Oklahoma would pitch in as well. We must focus on what is most important – building the wall to keep Kansans out.
Now I know what you’re thinking, and the facts clearly show the damage Kansas does to Missouri. Just look at where severe weather comes from. Kansas. Look at what people have to go through in order to drive to Denver. They have to go through Kansas. Just look at how ugly Olathe is. Now is the time.
Please. Remember us who are barricaded in our cellars. We, the Missourians who voted you into office, and those who remember to yell “ZOU” whenever someone yells “MIZ.”
It is time. Enough is enough. Build the wall.
(Build a wall with our man Chris Kamler on Twitter, where he masquerades as @TheFakeNed. Find him on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and YouTube)