Whether intentional or accidental, I appreciate you stopping by this space. I’m going to be honest. I’m mailing this effort in, and I’d prefer you not tell Foley about this column. Probably not my best work but the baby needs new shoes and so here it goes.
For the record, I do not have a baby, that is simply a euphemism.
I’ve spent the last 24-36 hours trying to be a better person. Just seemed like a promising idea, but I’m struggling with this effort.
I’ve decided that I need to purge myself of all of my cynical complaints in life as a “rock bottom” type reboot to a new attitude, so here’s a start:
•If you see a dog with a collar roaming around in the country, don’t put it on Facebook as lost. That dog knows exactly where he lives. City people have ruined dogs and think an unleashed dog is some sort of problem that needs solved. Leave it alone.
•I went to a movie for the first time in years last week. The biggest change to me is that they simply put the volume on max and let it rip. I watched Mission Impossible version XXX and lost the last remnants of my hearing. Any local attorney’s have experience suing Tom Cruise?
•I’m fairly sure that the only reason my wife wanted to go to that movie was seeing Tom Cruise in his underwear. Ever since Risky Business, I’ve been watching this dude in his underwear and I’m tired of it; she, apparently, is not.
•I’m not really sure being a better person is in the cards for me. Feel like cynical is a skill set that I was born with and hate to abandon my legacy at this point.
•Soccer takes over the metro in 2026 and it will be sad for those of us that readily admit to not caring about soccer at any level. The “soccer crowd” will be throwing shade at us in copious quantities, brace yourself accordingly.
•Who thought of putting auto shutoffs on cars when they stop at a stop sign? That was stupid.
•Have you even seen the area around UMKC and the streetcar system? What a cluster. It is a laughable mess of government confluence. If construction ever ends and the street cars, automobiles, pedestrians, and bikes ever roam this area as intentioned by the government, it will look like a Chinese Fire Drill gone bad. Just a matter of years before they are ripping this line out, just like they did along the Interurban, decades ago.
•Can you still say Chinese Fire Drill? Or no?
None of you intentionally turned to this column, right? This thing is an unmitigated disaster; somebody call Trump and have him send in the Marines or National Guard to save this thing. If Donald doesn’t answer, see if Gavin Newsom will file a lawsuit or something.
Speaking of things that bother me, I’ve survived another May of watching people say “look at me” through their actions at graduation ceremonies throughout the country. Backflips, dances, signs, family airhorns and everything in between and it’s stupid. Depending upon where you are graduating from, there are anywhere from a few or thousands of other people celebrating the exact same “accomplishment” and anyone trying to grab more of the spotlight than the other participants is in poor taste and makes you look less educated, not more.
Move along, most of us are not really that impressed by graduations anyway, society has made us celebrate this, which is also further evidence that me becoming a better person is unlikely.
(Guy Speckman can be reached waiting for the National Guard to shut down this column)
