In a few weeks we will have a new(ish) president. Since presidents can now be over 100 years old, apparently, this has given me time to reflect on whether I would like to run for president one day.
My platform would be simple to understand and short. For the most part, this country runs itself. Sure, you can make little tweaks here and there, and you have to play nice with your neighbors, but it’s pretty self-sufficient when you think about it.
But there are a number of incredibly annoying things that I would ban on day one.
Let’s start with this: Any microwave with a clock on it, must automatically reset to 0:00 when it’s stopped under 30 seconds. How leaving a microwave with 4 seconds on the timer for some schmuck to figure out how to clear out the time isn’t a crime punishable by death is beyond me.
Next up, we ban Daylight Saving Time. I’ve talked about this before. DST doesn’t really save daylight for anyone. In the winter, you get approximately 25 minutes of sunlight in three months. Ain’t no jive with your clocks going to fix that. It gets dark now around the time you’re done with lunch. That’s the universe. That’s not the clocks. What is annoying is resetting those stupid things in the spring and fall. Dumb. It’s on the list.
The next law I will pass might be a bit more controversial, but I think will result in greater peace in the universe. No longer will floating holidays be floating.
Instead of Christmas being on December 25, it will now be on the next to last Thursday in December. We obviously can’t move New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. But the rest of the floating holidays we can. Easter will be on the first Sunday in April. Hanukkah would be for eight days starting the day after Christmas (the last Friday in December) for eight days.
How easy would life be when you could plan your time around these events? You know that Christmas is always on a Thursday. Just like Thanksgiving! And we LOVE Thanksgiving!
I think if I ran on just those three items, I’d likely win 45 states right off the bat. Add into the mix my charming personality and the incoming law that every grocery store should offer staples like milk and bread at the exact same price, I’d obviously run the table.
Why isn’t this what our elected leaders are focusing on instead of removing fluoride from drinking water, and kicking out immigrants who are just here to work.
You could rather pass meaningful legislation like Pajama Fridays. And bring your dog to work day on the 1st of every month. Or national compliment day – where you have to speak in nothing but compliments.
When I’m president you can bet I’ll pass these into law and make America less obnoxious again!
(Get more thoughts from future President Chris Kamler by following Chris “Kringle” Kamler on Twitter, now known as X to some but not to Kamler, where you’ll find him pontificating as @ChrisKamler)
