Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round as I introduce you to the eighth wonder of the political world—a man so astoundingly ordinary that he makes vanilla seem like a wild flavor choice. Tim Walz, the vice-presidential candidate who is so unremarkable, you might just find yourself remarking on it.
When Walz steps up to the podium, there’s no thunderous applause or gasps of awe. Instead, there’s a collective nod of recognition, as if to say, “Ah yes, there he is, a man who definitely remembers to take out the trash every Thursday.” He’s the human equivalent of the ‘thumbs up’ emoji; not quite ecstatic, but you know he means well. Or, more likely, a text response from your parent that only says ‘K’.
As a dad, Tim Walz has mastered the art of the barbecue grill with an expertise that can only be matched by his proficiency in setting the thermostat to a sensible 71 degrees. Children in the neighborhood whisper legends of the time he fixed a wobbly table leg with nothing but sheer determination and a stack of old coasters.
His normality doesn’t stop there. As a husband, he’s the champion of the Grocery Store Game, remembering the shopping list without writing it down and never forgetting his wife’s favorite brand of Greek yogurt. His date nights are scheduled with the precision of a Swiss watch—every second Friday of the month—and consist of either a trip to the local Italian restaurant where they split a tiramisu (and only because it comes free with their coupon), or a movie night featuring films that everyone agrees are “just fine.”
Let’s completely ignore whether Walz is a shrewd politician. He clearly is, as the governor of the state of Minnesota. But, even that is unremarkable. Being the governor of Minnesota. Didn’t they used to have a professional wrestler in that job? Do they just hand it out to folks at the Elks Club up there?
The magic trick—if we dare call it that—is how Tim Walz’s very essence of being SO normal makes him stand out in the sequin-studded circus that is politics. In a room full of peacocks, our man Tim is the reliable pigeon. He doesn’t strut, he doesn’t squawk; he simply coos policy proposals in gentle, even tones that soothe rather than startle.
Some say that in a parallel universe, Tim Walz is still waiting patiently at the DMV, or perhaps refilling his neighbor’s lawn mower with gas, careful not to spill a single drop. But here, in this reality, he stands before us, a steady hand ready to change the ink cartridge in the printer of democracy when it inevitably runs dry. Oh, and also running for the second most powerful position in the world.
The right has tried every which way to villainize him. The best they can come up with is attacking his progressive positions like passing legislation to feed kids school lunches for free, or making it easier to get feminine hygiene products at lower prices. “Tampon Tim” was briefly floated by “you know who” as a burn. In true Tim Walz form, he laughed it off. “Yeah, what a monster, right?” in that classic “aw shucks” response.
In a world desperate for heroes, Tim Walz is the unflappable sidekick we never knew we needed. So, when you cast your ballot, remember: a vote for Tim is a vote for the kind of stability that comes with knowing exactly which day is trash day. And isn’t that the most exciting thing you’ve heard all election season?
(Find Chris Kamler on that not-quite-normal thing called Twitter as @chriskamler)
