If you think your job is bad, imagine being a political fact checker for the next four months. I’d rather clean the colonoscopy procedure room at the local outpatient clinic.
I’m not sure if the 4th of July is a praying holiday, but you might throw one up for the heck of it. Maybe something like “please, Baby Jesus, provide our country with a sane, cognitive alert candidate for President.” Can’t hurt.
Maybe throw in a couple of repentant promises like, “if you give us a sane, cognitive candidate for President, we promise not to bomb anyone for six months.” Gotta give a little to get a little, in my opinion. Maybe we could give the Indians back some land or something to lift this curse that has obviously fallen upon us. Some good stuff, not Oklahoma red dirt. Maybe Utah or Wyoming or some beach areas in the Carolinas.
I’m a problem solver, don’t hate on me, I’m trying to solve this thing while you’re making jokes.
Listen, we have some actors that have played pretty decent presidents in the movies that are still alive and seem relatively sane. Maybe we could just suspend the current election and put one of these guys/gals in and see what happens.
1-Daniel Day Lewis played Abraham Lincoln pretty well. I don’t think he is a citizen but let’s not be picky. If he can manage the Honest Abe routine for four years, I’m willing to overlook a few details. He’s 67 years old, a baby in presidential years.
2-Julia Louis-Dreyfuss was relatively solid vice-president by current standards in Veep. This seems like a suitable time to break the glass ceiling or glass fire alarm for that matter. Let’s give her a shot.
3-Michael Douglass is still alive. He killed it as Andrew Shepherd in The American President. I mean, he got the girl, and she wasn’t a porn star, that’s a step up, right? She was a lobbyist, but at least she wasn’t a Chinese spy. Anyway, I’m not sure if he’s good with Russia and China and such, but he looks good in a suit and danced pretty well. Mike is 79 though, better check his reflexes first.
4-I think Jamie Foxx had a stroke, but that’s old hat for the White House staff. He was pretty decent in White House Down and we could save money on security, because I assume Channing Tatum comes with him as a package deal and can handle most of the security. Jamie is a baby in president years. Just 56 years old. He could serve a couple or three terms if it takes longer to fix this than we anticipate.
5-Kevin Spacey was pretty solid as Francis Underwood in House of Cards. I know Kevin is creepy now, but the White House staff is full versed in dealing with creepy from both sides of the aisle. Kevin is out of work and would jump at this thing. Just keep him away from the male interns and we should be ok for a couple of years.
Complain all you want, but I’m offering up solutions as part of my patriotic duty this 4th of July while you’re shooting fireworks and drinking beer. Probably time you look yourself in the mirror and ask what you could be doing to solve this.
(Guy Speckman can be reached solving a Presidential Crisis)
