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Monday Morning QB:
Help needed at Arrowhead


by C.K. Rairden
Landmark columnist

The Chiefs may not be ready to ask for help yet, but the cynical staff at Monday Morning QB is ready to hang out the help-wanted shingle for the embattled team. This week we concentrate on the coaches and the personnel operations.

Get your resumes ready folks, positions are opening up as we speak.

Help Wanted:

Quality Control:

This is a newly created position. The team needs someone to get a grasp on what is wrong and how to fix it before the fan base loses total interest.

When a WR is hurting so badly that he is a detriment to the team, you have to be strong enough to step up, and tell him to sit.

When the same WR quits on his routes, you have to have tell the coaching staff to bench him until he can contribute.

When a QB is off, you have to have the guts to go to the head coach and tell him that his best play is to turn and hand the ball off.

When the WR’s can’t run the correct routes or catch the ball you have to tell the coach to acquire or play different personnel.

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Spin Doctor:

With an 0-3 home record, and a 1-4 record overall record it’s going to get tough to get people to turn out for the home games and cheer.

We need someone with a trustworthy fresh face that can tell the Chiefs fan that all is well. That this is all part of the plan. Can you tell everyone that it’s the injuries that are killing us? Can you explain why this team has yet to sign a receiver? Can you explain why the team kept throwing the ball against the Steelers?

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Assistant to the offensive coordinator:
Can you figure out what is working on offense and make a suggestion to what plays to call? For example— If Priest Holmes is running the ball very well, tell the offensive coordinator to actually hand the ball to him?

When you see a struggling QB and the WR’s aren’t on the same page (again) can you step up and tell someone to hand the ball to #31?

Can you see that adjustments need to be made before the game is out of hand?

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Assistant in charge of clock management:

Can you keep an eye on the game clock and help out the coaching staff feel a sense of urgency? Can you tabulate how many seconds are in the game? Can you decipher that play clock?

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Assistant to the quarterbacks coach:

Can you learn and teach the quarterback what color jersey the Chiefs will wear for the weekend? Can you tell him to throw the ball to the receiver that has that color jersey on?
Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Personnel Assistant:

Can you understand that when you have no wide receivers that can gain separation that you need to sign one?

Can you understand that when a kick return specialist poses no threat to make a big return that he should be cut?

Can you understand that a converted safety that is now a linebacker and only plays on special teams is taking up an important place on the roster?

Can you understand that when a kicker’s field goal range is 37 yards that he needs to move on?

Can you drive a car and not lose the team’s 2001 fourth round draft pick?

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Assistant to the receivers' coach: Do you understand route running? Can you tell when a receiver quits on routes and blocking assignments and point it out?

Can you explain to people why Derrick Mayes is at home and Dante Hall is on the roster? Check that—the new spin control person will do that.

Can you explain why Mikhael Ricks is not used in the offensive scheme until the team is desperate? Check that one too. The new spin-doctor will do this.

Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Replay Coordinator:

Can you watch the game on TV and tell us when a runner steps out of bounds so that we can challenge the call? If CBS doesn’t replay it can you use your TiVo to replay it quickly?

If you are concerned that a TD may be called back can you suggest that the line jump offsides on the extra point to give us more time?
Send resume to One Arrowhead Drive.

Every organization no matter how small or large needs quality people to achieve results. Monday morning QB is happy to give this assist to the team.